but i  guess i would some it up as simple complacency. i thought too highly of the situation.

well after the past 2 gloomy days, awaiting that same feeling of hope to reappear?

i decided i made a mistake again.

it clearly was not to be opened again. and it clearly was not to be let out again. and all i have to say is:

BACK YOU GO TO YOUR PLACE.

and i have to admit it was really a blow. and i was ):

i shan’t hold my hopes high again and let them get so crushed..

so i went to school with a ping2 chang2 xin1, you know like after the mugging things you settle down and birthdays become like a blow candle and i’m old thing and nobody really cares too much about it thing.. so my expectations of things were low… and i guess it was good.

so i met zong on the bus. he was amazing! he totally asked me when my b’dae was.. then he was like.. oh today ah? oh happy birthday!! ;S diao! lousy ttm! then i walked into school obviously trying to avoid the topic of b’daes cause it’s quite BHB and unless i kno you very well, i won’t talk about presents(: yeahhhh. so it goes.. then i walked in then i saw mel standing there looking around then i spotted the rest of imacs which thereafter spotted me and flee-ed. dumb ryte. they think i blind or innocent. so i decided to continue with my ping2 chang2 xin1 walk to cr as usual(: then my day started with lix and this other girl giving me two pretty notes(strips of paper with tiny bells on it), one was “a family of instruments, and the other was waterloo” hello i saw waterloo then i was like.. weeenn.. then i put my bag down and gave and received a few hugs and handshakes and smiles and yadass… and stupid knn went to give me an empty minitoons bag then i was likke. where’s my present. you see the BHB side come out already?? ahah! then he said he give me air. so i breathed it. and it was SMELLY! woah! try to poison me worxxxx!! (yuck tweed language!, but i’m high..) ahah then assembly then beside my class there was this class singing the bday song and i was like runaway! paiseh. okay this is taking long. so SUMMARISE MAIN POINTS!

1) my BFF and co made me bite a stuff toy bread!!

let’s re-enact the scene:

koh: eh this bread must faster eat if not will (smth like become not as nice)

j: eh this brand of bread very nice one

me: eh this bread so cute got sticker inside one

yf: SH come look at photos from yest, then she holds the cam up high

then loo takes a munch. so STUPID!! but it was outrageously funny(: i love them all so much(:

2)eyecandy (EC)

so the random strips were passed to me at random timings and from random  people and my dear girls were just so smart to include my EC!! and he walked over and i was gleaming from ear to ear like a toot! okay he was with AH. then AH saw my stupid hua1 chi1 face :S… so he gave me the paper and he wished me and i shook his hand!!! YOU FEEL MY HEART THUMPING!! okay this is dumb, cause i won’t like anyone cause of loooks(: but ECs are nice(: (: i love my dear girls for the EC arrangemen(: (:

(3) the lecturer

and smart ween and nono went to pass a strip of paper to the lecturer. applause please!! she was like “is IL here…. i have a very important task” and the WHOLE FREAKING LT heard the whole freaking thing and i had to go down and collect the paper :S so embarrassing but i love you all for embarrasing me too….

(4) my dear girls

the board was simply.. i love and i’m so touched. it had times of us being just us and it was really so happy and wonderful and it’s a nice thing to look back and smile at(: (:

i had a total wonderful day and i have to thank a lot of people (in coded again)

family, kor2, BFF, leu, koh, yf, jny, gan, ong, yan, mel, ween, cher, lena, nguyen, jho, da2, loo, handsome, pocks, js, twin, bestie, leow, rach, trist, jom, mho, ben, foo, AH, EC, IK,ML, JT, S, TW, DI, MRJ, LX, JU, ST, LECT, ……….. long long list.

laughing around, talking crap and not taking things into perpectives

escapism i would call it.

and my mum popped into my room today like just. and she said ang replied and also suggested the dropping of my subjects.

i appear to roll my eyes at like why they are so mean.

but what actually goes on inside is what am i supposed to do know.

i don’t know whether it’s stubborness or the spirit of not giving up and actually i can do it even without dropping

but i don’t wish to. but what if they are right

but what if the advice that they’re giving is really to be taken with a heavy heart and what if i’m really not strong enough to take my 4 H2s.

then this would be called foolishness. 2 signs. and i’m ignoring it. foolishness..

i no longer know what’s my study very very hard level already. i don’t know this few days have been far too happy to be like i’m taking a major examination and it’s just not right.

will i ever ever get there. i don’t know. sometimes i guess i have split personality. one side of me does not really care what i get out of life, as long as i can live properly and be happy. and good career or whatsoever is all secondary or what.  but the other of me just wishes to do well. like how i could do so in primary school. okay i concluded that primary school is stupid over these years.. it can’t tell you whether you’ll do well in the future or not. i don’t know. i guess for myself i don’t really care what happens. but i want to give my parents a good life. and my brotherr hrrmmm… maybe he’ll be able to do part of it. but let’s just say it’s not a very optimistic sight… and i guess i want to do well for them also you know, like they’ve seen me so horridly these past few years..

i pretend that i’m nonchalant. but i truly care,it’s just that it’s too mind-boggling and overwheliming that i can’t bear to think anymore. okay diversion!

BUT i really need to know whether i want to drop… i can’t decide it just by flipping a coin too what….

i really need a sign. and to not get affected! poo! i got one whole set of notes to cover before bio test, which i intended to prove a bit of things. and i don’t think it’s exactly possible now… but i’ll try….  that’s all i can give.. oh there’s a very very nice chinese song.

祷告，因为我渺小；

祷告，因为我知道我需要；

明瞭，你心意对我重要。

祷告，已假装不了；

祷告，因为你的爱我需要；

你关怀，我走过的你都明白。

有些事我只想对你说，

因你比任何人都爱我；

痛苦从眼中流下，

我知道你为我擦。

在早晨我也要来对你说，

主耶稣今天我为你活；

所有需要的力量你天天赐给我，

你恩典够我用。

firstly. the people i don’t know how to face.

i am just simply disappointed at the stuff you all are posting on your blogs.

NO. 1. we bloody did not blame you for our failure and flop. FREAK! so stop treating us like sore losers who can’t deal with failure. yes i tell you it’s the hardest thing ever. glory years and then down to the mud. undoubtedly our own faults to be exact. and i’m just trying to get over it. and even if i ever blamed you for not being there. i would never say it out. i would NEVER! the only thing i can ever safely blame you in YOUR FAT FACES is that you brought out ALL THE WRONG ATTITUDES. and what the hell did it cause. it contributed to a screwed up c*o*r. i blame myself too. for not showing what i truly felt when i saw you screwing up my most ever loved and dearest c*o*r. and i now i face my consequences. that i see the c*o*r crumbling under my leadership. and how useless we have been. freak i reaally wished everything were great till the end. EVERYTHING. and i swear i loved the c*o*r with all my heart and i still do. now what about you. you don’t freaking talk to me if you don’t deserve to. cause you have nothing called commitment in your vocab, and you dare say you are not guilty and not at fault. you ought to be shamed. and gladly i once again refuse to stoop to your levels.

NO.2. i’m still angry at myself. that all my beloveds could never feel the same way i felt in riva. i’m sorry that i led you to this doomsday, as much as i really didn’t want itt. i admit it’s really quite my fault. and i am terribly sorry. maybe it was a mistake from the start and i should have simply remained as the ordinary and not try to assume the extraordinary.

NO.3. i hate hypocrites.

NO.4. i hate insensitive people

NO.5. i am not over it. ):

i really wish for the happiest ending.

i’ll sacrifice 10 years for it. or anything!!! i just want it.

maybe we don’t deserve it.

but just take it that maybe i don’t want to admit it

everything is possible.

i want i want i want COTW!!!

but can you please please also bless me in my next wish, please??

i wish and wish that when i edit my choir t3a, i would be able to add in a wonderful wonderful achievement from wales. like a very very very very wonderful and happy one. i really really hope so. it’s a gamble. and i never really liked gambles. and now that i have found how gambly this gamble is. i am terrified. so terrified. a side of me tells me just to rely on God’s strength and let things fall into their places. but the other side of me just wants to do so so much more, like turning back the time, making sure that everything is not so much of a gamble. i am very scared. i can’t do anything much now but dream and hope. and dream and hope and PRAY.

i know we can do this. or at least finally be proud of our performance.

IF WE ALL WANT TO, TOGETHER.

edit: 10 years is away!! hope i see 10 years before i flyy!! gosh i’m crazy.

it was awful. i really want to want to want to want to get the COTW to finish off my FOUR years. and i will not hesitate to whack any ass who hinders me. i am just so so so awfully afraid that we won’t get anything. so awfully afraid.

and what can i do.. i would do anything. but this anything is nothing. i hate the insecurities.

and i need to whine. cause too many people have been whining to me and i haven’t found a whining output.

i didn’t learn about BIO. CHEM. MATHS. ECONS.

i’ve learnt to TRUST.

i wouldn’t dare say i’ve got it totally. cause i still have a million and one panic attacks and i shiver and get irritating nervous mental blocks during my paper…

but i’ve certainly experienced how things can actually be so simple.

maybe like “i have this amount of time to study and i’ll go for the exam”

and human anxiety and the urge to take control turns it all into,

“i’m horribly screwed. i only have this amount of time and i’ll never finish and what if i can’t finish?!?!………….”

and in the end, you just destroy yourself. you tear youself down and make yourself feel horrible.

when from the beginning, HE was just there waiting for you to commit it all into His hands and He will take care of it.”

i was foolish.. but i feel happy that i’ve learnt(: (:

and here comes a very nice song,

“Thank You Lord”

i thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
in that way I can grow each day as I let You lead
and thank you lord for the patience those trials bring
in the process of growing i can learn to care

but it goes against the way i am to put my human nature down
and let the spirit take control of all i do
cause when those trials come my human nature shouts the things to do
and god’s soft prompting can be easily ignored

i thank you lord with each trial i feel inside
that you’re there to help lead and guide me away from wrong
cause you promised Lord that with every testing
that your way of escaping is easier to bear

i thank you lord for the victory that growing brings
in surrender of everything life is so worthwhile
and i thank you lord that when everything’s put in place
out in front i can see your face and it’s there you belong

(: (:

even though images of all the would-bes of the bright lights are flashing continuously.

i wish i could just teleport there and apparently survive the long foresty path very well.

watched narnia yesterday, and i think it’s a great treat.

and a walk through gramophone just added a whole new page of to-dos when i get to the bright lights

oh but what do i need to calm myself to patiently walk through and appreciate the foresty paths.

at times i think i rather not enter. it’s not too bad where i’m standing now.

and i’m standing in a place called DENIAL.

which makes you sink deeper if you don’t take a step to look at the real world from time to time.

i need to stop being a bitch.

although you make me cry so much these days.

i can’t help but listen to you even though i don’t want to.

and all these i’m doing.

just know that it’s not that i’m convinced.

it’s that i love you too much and i wish for the day that you’ll ever be pleased with me.

and maybe you’ll pat me on the back and say, good job girl!

and all this silence is because i don’t wish to quarrel and disagree.

i’ll just listen.

but i still don’t understand…